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Punch. April 27, 1872. Pages 1-2, 169-172, 177-182.. ...
NEW ILLUSTRATED WORK BY THE AUTHOR OF "HAPPY THOUGHTS," &c
Mr. F. C. Burnand's New Book, "HAPPY-THOUGHT HALL," with numerous illustrations by the Author, is now ready, price 5s.
[Bradbury, Evans & Co., 10 Bouverie Street, London, E. C.
PUNCH
PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY.
PRICE THREE PENCE
No. 1607.
VOLUME
THE
SIXTY-SECOND.
April 27,
1872.
PUNCH OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET.
AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS.
A New Elementary Work on Botany for Students, Amateurs, &c.
BOTANY FOR BEGINNERS,
AN INTRODUCTION TO THE STUDY OF PLANTS.
By MAXWELL T. MASTERS, M.D., F.R.S.
With numerous Illustrations, price 3s. 6d.
Registered at the General Post Office as a Newspaper]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.--April 27, 1872.
BALL-ROOM CANDLES.
For Brilliant Light--The "OZOKERIT." For withstanding draught--The "AËRATED."
For Elegance--"The LADIES' BOUDOIR" or "White Double Cable."
J. C. & J. FIELD, PATENTEES AND SOLE MANUFACTURERS.
Sold Everywhere.
BURN THE "STAR" NIGHT LIGHTS.
CRYSTAL PALACE.--
REFRESHMENT DEPARTMENT.--
FREDERICK SAWYER begs to inform the nobility, gentry, and the public in general, that on the 1st of May he will OPEN for the SEASON the magnificent NEW SALOONS attached to the REFRESHMENT DEPARTMENT of the CRYSTAL PALACE.
The Saloons command Views of the Crystal Palace Park and of the surrounding country for miles. They have just been redecorated and furnished by Mr. Sawyer regardless of expense, and are replete with every luxury and comfort that the most fastidious can desire.
They are eminently adapted for banquets (being capable of containing at one time as many as 800 guests), wedding breakfasts, and parties of all descriptions. No establishment in or near London possesses equal facilities or accommodation, and Mr. Sawyer can point with pride to the fact that he is able to offer, for the use and gratification of his patrons, the handsomest saloons in England, and he can with confidence say that his arrangements in the cuisine department and his selection of one of the largest and best-assorted stocks of wine in the kingdom, coupled with the attendance of a thoroughly experienced staff, are not to be excelled in the world.
Estimates for Banquets, Wedding Breakfasts and Entertainments of all descriptions, can be obtained on application at the offices at the Crystal Palace, or will be forwarded by post.
Crystal Palace, April, 1872.
Allcock's Porous Plasters.
LAMENESS.
[SEAL]
"2, Embden Street,
"Greenheys, Manchester.
"Sept. 20, 1871.
"Messrs. Allcock & Co.--Gentlemen,--I have great pleasure in bearing testimony to the excellent strengthening properties of your 'Allcock's Porous Plasters.' I was suffering from a bad leg for some months, and could get nothing to relieve me until I tried these Plasters, and am very happy to say they have effected a perfect cure.
'I am, yours respectfully,
"(sd.) William Tomkinson.
"You are at liberty to make use of this testimonial if you think it would be of any use to suffering humanity."
SPRAIN.
James Kelly, of Blanchard Street, Manchester, states he was suffering from severe sprain of shoulders. He applied all kinds of lotions and liniments without effect. At last, being induced to try one of Allcock's Porous Plasters, he at once found great relief. Having worn the Plaster a few days, he finds the pain quite gone.
DR. MYER, of Savannah, Ga., says they are the best mechanical supporters for weak muscles ever discovered; that by their warming properties, they bring power and health, until the strength of the muscles is entirely restored.
ALLCOCK'S POROUS PLASTERS are sold be all Druggists at 1s. 11/2d. each, with full directions for use, or in any size to suit. The Yard Plaster is specially recommended for Families and Physicians. One yard equals 18 plasters. Price 14s. per yard, 7s. 6d. per half yard, or 4s. per quarter.
N.B.--A Plaster sent to any part of the Country for Fifteen Stamps.
Principal Agency for Great Britain
(Wholesale and Retail):
57, GREAT CHARLOTTE STREET, LIVERPOOL.
All Orders and Communications should be Addressed to
HENRY D. BRANDRETH, General Manager,
ALLCOCK'S POROUS PLASTER COMPANY,
(OF NEW YORK)
57, GREAT CHARLOTTE STREET, LIVERPOOL.
Wholesale London Agents. -- Barclay and Sons, Farringdon Street; W. Edwards. Old Change; F. Newbery and Sons, 37, Newgate Street; J. Sanger and Sons, Oxford Street.
The Plasters are sold by all Dealers in Medicine.
JAMES LEWIS'S GALVANIC HAIR OIL
Promotes the growth of the Hair, and prevents it turning grey, if applied once a week.
Price 1s. and 2s., 6d.
Manufactory, 6 Bartlett's Buildings, Holborn.
COLT'S NEW BREECH-LOADING, LARGER BORE DERINGER PISTOL can be carried in the waistcoat pocket. Shoots accurately and with great force. Price 30s., or £3 the pair.--Address, Colt's Firearms Company, 14 Pall Mall, London.
TOURS IN THE PYRENEES.
THE PACIFIC STEAM NAVIGATION COMPANY have arranged with the Chemin de Fer du Midi for the issue of Tourists' Tickets from
Liverpool to the Pyrenees and Back
(Via Bordeaux).
Available for One Month, at the following rates:--
First Class by Steamer and Railway .................... £10
Second Class by Steamer and First Class by Railway .................... £7
Including Maintenance and Vin Ordinaire on the Passage to and from Bordeaux.
The Sailings for May will be as under:--
Lusitania, Capt. Hammill .......... 13th May, at 1 p.m.
Truxilio, new Steamer .......... 21s May, at 3 p.m.
Araucania, Capt. Bax .......... 29th May, at 3 p.m.
The average duration of the Sea Passage is 21/2 days.
Twenty Days are allowed for the journey by Railway from Bordeaux, and the time at that place may be extended by arrangement.
Passengers are also booked at reduced rates to the following places:--
Full particulars may be had on applying at the Offices of the Company, Harrington Street, Liverpool; N. Griffiths, Tate & Co., Fenchurch House, 5 Fenchurch Street, London; or Malcolms, MacGeorge & Co., 22 Exchange Square, Glasgow.
W. J Conlan, Secretary.
BREIDENBACH'S
MACASSARINE OIL.
1s.
CURVATURE OF THE SPINE AND ITS MECHANICAL TREATMENT. By Heather Bigg, Assoc. Inst. C. E., Anat. Mech. to the Prince of Wales, &c. Largely illustrated. Price 2s. 6d. Messrs. Churchill, Burlington Street.
Contents:--Causes of Spinal Curvature--Deformities of the Head and Neck--Deformities of the Spine--Spinal Apparatus--Deformities of the Hips--Spinal Debility--Spinal Irritation--Spinal Gymnastics.
MAPPIN AND WEBB'S REGISTERED NOVELTY.
[Illustration]
THE WOODLAND'S BREAKFAST CRUET. 30s.
Illustrated Catalogues Post-Free from 76, 77, and 78, Oxford St., W., and Mansion House Buildings, City.
A PEARL-LIKE WHITENESS of the Teeth, Healthy Gums, and Fragrant Breath are realised by the use of ROWLANDS' ODONTO, or Pearl Dentifrice, a White Powder of the most recherché Oriental Ingredients, and occupying a distinguished place at the Toilets of the Sovereigns and Nobility throughout Europe. Price 2s. 9d. per Box. Sold by Chemists and Performers.
Ask for "Rowland' Odonto," and beware of cheap imitations.
COLOURED SCRAPS FOR FOLDING SCREENS and SCRAP BOOKS.--Immense stock, 1,500 different sheets or sets to choose from. Abbreviated list post free Coloured Scraps for Children, a set of 100 different subjects, post free 2s. 1d. in stamps.--John Jerrard, 172 Fleet Street, London.
CHARMING SETS FOR THE SCRAP BOOK, or Decoration of Fancy Articles, &c, exquisitely finished in colours and stamped out--viz.: English and Foreign Birds (brilliant plumage), Butterflies (true to nature), Flowers, Pretty Figures, Wreaths, Green Leaves and Sprays (very beautiful). Price 7d. per set; or the six sets (all different) post free for 2s. 7d. -- Address John Jerrard, 172, Fleet Street, London.
EASY CHAIRS
FILMER & SON'S
Illustrated Price Lists Post Free. 31 & 32, BERNERS STREET, W.
DIGESTION PROMOTED BY PEPSINE.
Prepared by T. MORSON & SON, and recommended by the Medical Profession. Sold in Bottles from 3s., and in Boxes from 2s. 6d., by all Chemists, and the Manufacturers, THOMAS MORSON & SON, 124, Southampton Row, W. C., London. See Name on Label.
RIMMEL'S TOILET VINEGAR, Perfumes, Lime Juice for the Hair, Aquadentine for the Teeth, Glycerine Soap and other unrivalled Toilet Preparations. List on application.
96, Strand; 128, Regent Street; 24, Cornhill.
"A most delicious and valuable article."--Standard.
FRY'S CARACAS COCOA,
"A Packet can easily be obtained, and its delicate flavour and fine aroma ensure its adoption as a Beverage for Breakfast or Supper."--Standard.
J. S. FRY & SONS, Bristol and London.
[Seal]
JOSEPH GILLOTT'S STEEL PENS.
SOLD BY ALL DEALERS THROUGHOUT THE WORLD.
ATELIER d'HABILLEMENTS POUR DAMES tenu par la Princesse PIERRE-NAPOLEON BONAPARTE, 97, New Bond Street.
THE LONDON EXHIBITION of ART and INDUSTRY, 1872, at Kensington, will be OPENED to the Public on Wednesday, 1st of May, 1872. The prices of Season Tickets will be:--For a gentleman, £2 2s., for a Lady £1 1s.; for a Youth under 15 years of age, £1 1s.
THE LONDON EXHIBITION of 1872.--AN OFFICIAL RECEPTION and PRIVATE VIEW of the PICTURE GALLERIES of the LONDON EXHIBITION of 1872 will be held by His Royal Highness the Duke of Edinburgh, K. G., and Her Majesty's Commissioners, on 27th April, when the Royal Albert Hall and the Horticultural Conservatory will be opened. An invitation card may now be obtained by purchasers of season tickets at the Royal Albert Hall, Kensington Gore, and at the usual agents.
THE LONDON EXHIBITION of 1872. -- SEASON TICKETS purchased for the LONDON EXHIBITION of 1872 will entitle the proprietors to an invitation to the Official Reception and Private View on the evening of the 27th April, to be held by His Royal Highness the Duke of Edinburgh, K. G., and Her Majesty's Commissioners.
THE BATHS,
THE
GRANVILLE HOTEL,
ST. LAWRENCE-ON-SEA, ISLE OF THANET.
PURE AËRATED WATERS.
[Trademark]
ELLIS'S RUTHIN WATERS, SODA, POTASS, SELTZER, LEMONADE, LITHIA, And for GOUT, LITHIA & POTASS. CORKS BRANDED "R. ELLIS & SON, RUTHIN," and ever label bears their trade mark. Sold everywhere, and for wholesale of R. Ellis & Son, Ruthin, North Wales. London Agents--W. Best & Sons, Henrietta Street, Cavendish Square.
SALT & CO.'S EAST INDIA PALE and BURTON ALES, in Bottle, also in Cask, in the finest condition.
Champagne.--Bouzy, 44s.; Imperial sillery, 34s.; Sillery, 24s. per doz. Port.--Cockburn's Old Crusted, 41s., 34s., 30s.,; Draught, 24s. per doz. Sherry.--S. Fino, 39s.; Fino, 31s.; Pale or gold, 24s. per doz.
Of selected qualities at the lowest cash prices.
Moody & Co., 40, Lime Street, London, E. C.
PIESSE & LUBIN
PRICE LIST
OF
PERFUMERY
Post Free
COLOGNE DENTIFRICE
Prepared from the flowers from which Eau de Cologne is distilled. Inestimable for the teeth and gums. It can be sent by Post.
Sold in Boxes, price 2s.
TO BE OBTAINED OF
Perfumers & Druggists everywhere.
2, New Bond Street, London.
ESTABLISHED A.D. 1777.
SANGSTERS'S UMBRELLAS, on Fox's Paragon, Solid, and Ægis Frames, With Fox's respective Trade Marks. The "Ægis Frame" combines shield-like shape with strength and convenience in use.
SANGSTER & CO.'S Address:
JOZEAU'S SYRUP and PÂTE OF LACTUCINE (active principle of Lettuce) possess all the soothing properties of opium without its dangers. Highly recommended by the medical profession in colds, asthma, and all chest affections.--At G. Jozeau's, French chemist, 49, Haymarket, and all the best chemists.--Pâte, 2s. 3d. and 1s. 11/2d.; post, 2s. 51/2d. and 1s. 31/2d. Syrup, 2s. 9d.
HEDGES AND BUTLER, 155, Regent St., London, W., and 30, King's Road, Brighton, invite attention to their varied Stock of WINES, amongst which will be found--
Claret .......... 14s. 18s. 20s. 24s. 30s. 36s. to 84s. per doz.
Sherry .......... at 24 30 36 42 48 to 60 "
Port .................... at 30 36 42 48 60 to 108 "
Champagne .......... 36 42 48 60 66 to 78 "
.......... Old Pale Brandy, 48s., 60s., 72s., 84s.
HOWARD'S PATENT PARQUET.
THE ONLY KIND GUARANTEED TO STAND PERFECTLY, AND CHEAPER THAN SWISS.
PATENT, No. 1,548.
[Illustration]
25, 26, and 27, Berners Street, Oxford Street, London, W.
J. & P. COATS' Sewing Cotton.
J. & P. COATS' Crochet Cotton.
CO-OPERATIVE SUPPLY ASSOCIATION (Limited).--The only Society that dispenses with ticket subscription, or formality. Free delivery in London. Special department for country orders. Price lists free on application to the Secretary, George Druitt. Stores, 343, Oxford Street, W., and Albert-gate, Knightsbridge.
[Illustration]
LEA AND PERRINS' SAUCE,
(THE "WORCESTERSHIRE,")
Pronounced by Connoisseurs
"THE ONLY GOOD SAUCE."
Its use improves Appetite and Digestion.
Unrivalled for Piquancy and Flavour.
BEWARE OF IMITATIONS,
To avoid which, see the Names, Lea & Perrins, on all Bottles and Labels.
Agents-- CROSSE & BLACKWELL, London, and sold by all Dealers in Sauces throughout the World.
E. MOSES & SON supply every description of Clothing, ready made, or made to measure, for all ages, all occasions, and all classes; also Hosiery and Drapery, Hats and Caps, Boots and Shoes, and complete Outfits for all Climates.
ALL GOODS MARKED IN PLAIN FIGURES.
Any article exchanged, if not worn or injured.
SUITS, 32s. to £4 4s.
RULES for Self-Measure, Patterns, List of Prices, and Fashion Sheet, post-free.
E. MOSES & SON
MERCHANT TAILORS, AND OUTFITTERS FOR ALL CLASSES,
Minories and Aldgate, New Oxford Street, Tottenham Court Road, London, And Bradford, Yorkshire.
KINAHAN'S . LL . WHISKY.
This most delicious old mellow spirit is the very
Cream of Irish Whiskies,
in quality unrivalled, perfectly pure, and more wholesome than the finest Cognac Brandy.--Note the words "Kinahan's . LL." on seal, label, and cork.
Wholesale Depot, 6A, Gt. Titchfield St., Oxford St.
KEATING'S Persian Inset-Destroying Powder.-- Fleas, Moths, Bugs, Cockroaches, and all other Insects destroyed by this Powder which is quite harmless to domestic animals. Sold in packets, 1s.; tins, 2s. 6d. and 4s. 6d. each. by Thomas Keating, 79, St. Paul's Churchyard, and all Chemists.
Page 169 { page image }
April 27, 1872.] .......... PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. .......... 169
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
[Illustration] Claims. Red Tape.
MONDAY, April 15.--Appeal (from the French appeler, Latin appelo) was the topic of the evening, in the Lords. Faithful to his custom of introducing a quotation, in or out of season, to a non-reading age, Mr. Punch has glanced into the drawers of his memory for a line in which the word occurs. Such a line instantly presents itself, of course, and that it has no kind of bearing on, or connection with, the matter in hand is an advantage.
"Then, cloaking hat with fiery zeal,
Proude Lorne thus answered the Appeal,
'Thou com'st, O holy man!'"
Lord of the Isles.
Refer to the passage, and you will find that it leads, as passages should, to something worth reaching. This is the splendidly dramatic situation in which the priest, who was about to curse The Bruce is over-mastered by an inspiration, and blesses him in a noble and prophetic strain. But the business in the Lords? Ah, true. Well, Lord Hatherley proposes to construct a new Grand Court of Appeal, and to do away with the Appellate Jurisdiction of the House of Lords. Retired but still able lawyers are to form the principal members of the Court, but any Lord who may rightfully be called Learned is to be qualified. The plan has to be carefully considered, and when their Lordships discuss it in detail, Mr. Punch will cast his illuminating beams upon the topic.
Mr. Ayrton has decreed that the old houses in Abingdon Street, close to the Palace of Westminster, shall be pulled down within the month. Thanks, Ædile, but they ought to have fallen long ago. Do you recollect a quotation so miraculously introduced by Lord Macaulay at a dinner-party given just after some edifices had tumbled down in Tottenham Court Road, and at which party an American lady, whose theological views were not over-orthodox, put them forward over-fluently?
"Here falling houses thunder on your head,
And there a female Atheist talks you dead."
It is alleged that sundry officers in Ninth Lancers have made things unpleasant for a gentleman who joined on the strength of having passed a brilliant examination, and not by purchase. Also that the Commander-in-Chief has given it to the offenders rather hot. The papers are to be moved for--let us wait for them. Mr. Punch rather likes Spangled Officers, if they do not shake their spangles too proudly, and he is ever loth to be harsh with them, but discipline must be maintained.
"And Britons rarely swerve
From law, however stern, which tends their force to nerve."
This night began anew the Ballot of Battles, which ere the week was spent resulted in an extraordinary cropper for the Cabinet. The case is this. The authors of the Ballot Bill, in their great zeal and tenderness for the unfortunate persons who are afraid or ashamed to vote publicly, are tremendously hard upon the majority of Her Majesty's faithful Elector-subjects, who have also been accustomed so to vote, and who detest secresy. It was proposed to inflict dire and terrible punishment upon anybody who should raise the Isis veil of the Ballot--(À propos of Isis, what says Lord Lytton?
"From vulgar eyes a veil the Isis screens,
And fools on fools still ask what Hamlet means."
and to-night there came on the clause for giving two years' imprisonment, with or without hard labour, to any person who should irregularly take out a Ballot-paper. This creation of a new offence, and visiting it with about eight times as much vengeance as is poured on a ruffian who batters his wife to pieces, aroused a good deal of wrath. Both the Bentincks, for whom Punch does not profess habitual adoration, spoke manfully against it, as did Lord E. Cecil and Mr. Beresford Hope. But the Government carried this by 203 to 152, majority 51.
"'But hope not thou,' said Turnus, 'when I strike,
To shun thy fate, our force is not alike.'"
Turnus means Vernon Harcourt--respice finem. Mr. West tried to get six months, instead of two years, prescribed, but he failed. However, Mr. Forster consented to insert a provision that the act must be fraudulent.
More strife and struggle, and some pleasing personalities, Mr. J. Hardy informing Mr. Samuelson that he got into the House by undue influence--however, Mr. Bonham-Carter caused that expression to be "took back."
But now begin to take notice, like the little babies, Mr. Leatham moved that no voter after marking his vote on the Ballot-paper should wilfully display it, so as to make known how he voted. The Conservatives opposed this (coupled as it was with the penalty of being sent to prison), and so did some Liberals, especially Mr. Fawcett, who declared that the instincts of England would never let a man be put into gaol merely for performing a public duty openly and honestly. But Government adopted the tyrannical proposal, and after a bungled division another was taken, and the numbers were 167 to 166, the majority for Mr. V. Harcourt and Mr. Gladstone One. Whereat there were huge Opposition cheers. Respice finem, we repeat.
Tuesday.--We told you that Earl Nelson, some time ago, said that he expected every man to take his seat in church. We waited his explanation. He has a Bill, which the Archbishop said was aimed at a real grievance. The object is to preserve sundry free seats in a state of freedom. À propos of anything you like, what an odd way the foul fiend had of tempting Poor Tom, in King Lear, by "putting halters in his pew." If a gentleman in church were suddenly seized with a desire to hang himself (and perhaps Shakspeare knew what kind of dementing sermons can be preached) the place is most unsuitable for such a purpose. Even a beadle would have almost sense enough to prevent its being carried out.
Lord Kimberley, the Colonial Secretary, introduced the new Licensing Bill, in the House of Lords. Bandersnatch, who has no reverence, supposes that his Lordship was selected to deal with the spirit-shops because his motto is "A-gin-court." Let Bandersnatch be anathema. It was right to give the Lords something to do. Of the Bill, of which we had heard much, we shall not say much, yet. The points be these:--
Well, you know, that won't do. We mean, particularly, the Hours regulation. Mr. Punch knows and cares nothing about anybody's wants and comforts but his own, and if everybody would mind his own business, everybody's business would be minded. Mr. Punch's is to say that the Opera is very often not over till XII., or a little later (if Meyerbeer's learned sock be on), and he likes to hear the end, and if he is not to be allowed to go round to the Albion for a silver flagon of beer,--
"One drop, the last, to cool him for the weed,"
he will become an International Republican Co-operative Democratic Communist. More of this anon. The Second Reading is for the second of May.
VOL. LXII. .......... S
Page 170 { page image }
170 .......... PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. .......... [April 27, 1872.
[Illustration]
"A WORM WILL TURN."
Miss Cramfie (Governess at the Squire's, who plays the Organ at Church, coaches up the Choir). " Mr. Jorkins, you always take up that 'Lead' in the Anthem so dreadfully Flat!"
Mr. Jorkins (with a Modesty rare in a Tenor). "Well, we dew, Miss; but-- you see Mr. Mangles and me ain't Sims Reeves, Miss!"
Do you know what Local Taxation means? Ratepayers, who undergo it, do perfectly well, and do not "rejoice therefore." Tonight they made Sir Massey Lopez their champion. He explained well, in fact
"Loosed all their bars of Massey light,"
and after a long debate, in which Mr. Stansfeld, for Government, opposed him, he inflicted upon the said Government an extraordinary defeat. He carried a resolution for the re-adjustment of such taxation by 259 to 159--majority against Ministers, One Hundred! Of course, heaps of Liberals stayed away, because they were ashamed to sustain the present unrighteous system.
Wednesday.--Sir Selwyn Ibbetson had another Licensing Bill, and Members talked over it, until the time for rising came. It will, however, be considered alongside of the Government one, so no more at present on either head.
Thursday.--The American question has, of course, cropped up several times, but there is nothing particular to say on it, save that Counter-cases have been exchanged, England utterly repudiating the Indirect Claims.
It had been very emphatically stated by the Daily Telegraph that Prince Von Bismarck had sent to Paris an ultimatum, menacing a renewal of the war, if the French persisted in arming hugely, with intention of "revenge." Mr. Gladstone "believed" to-night that no information to this effect had been received by the Government, an answer by no means of a re-assuring sort. Nothing would surprise us less than such action by Germany, only that France is her debtor in an awful sum, and it is not wise in a creditor to jeopardise his claims.
Now then.
"The cannon is pointed, and ready to roar,
And crumble the wall it had shaken before."
We resumed the Ballot. Mr. Vernon Harcourt, in reference to Mr. Leatham's amendment, proposed to put "with corrupt intent" into the clause about displaying the paper. Mr. Forster would not accept this, and Mr. Harcourt delivered one of his best and most incisive speeches, making vast fun of Government for insisting on such penalties as now absolutely and vitally necessary, when they had not been inserted in the Bill the Lords had been abused for throwing over. Mr. Leatham stuck to his own form, Liberal after Liberal opposed him, and Mr. Gladstone advocated Mr. Leatham's amendment in the most earnest way. But even Mr. Gilpin, one of the most sincere of Mr. Gladstone's friends, abandoned him, as did Mr. Childers and Mr. Bouverie, and on division the numbers were--for the Leatham motion, 246; against it, 274; majority against Government, 28.
Mr. Gladstone, appealed to by Mr. Osborne, reproachfully called the attention of his friends to the Tory cheers. He was ready to part with the provision rather than part with the Bill. The latter should be pressed with unabated vigour.
We should like to cite something magnificent and worthy of this tremendous crisis. But we can recall nothing but Tom Hood's--
"What do you think of that, my Cat,
What do you think of that, my Dog?"
Friday.--Parsons, Oysters, and Mussels occupied their Lordships for a couple of hours. For the two former classes of our fellow-creatures we have the utmost respect, especially when the parsons give pearls and the oysters do not open their mouths indiscreetly. But that the Peers of England should bemean themselves by mentioning Mussels!--we are ashamed of the Senate.
The wrongs of the Negroes in Cuba, of the Jews in Roumania, and of the Biscuit-eaters in the Navy, occupied their Commoner-ships. The latter subject prompts a Shakspearian parody, with which Mr. Punch closes his ornate record:--
"The boy replied, 'An angel is not evil,
I should have feared her had she been a Weevil.'"
Love's Labour's Lost.
A SMILE IN EXETER HALL.
King Stephen was a worthy Peer. So is the Earl of Shaftsbury. Worthy of the Peerage everybody knows him to be. But everybody does not know him to be worth of Punch. Know, therefore, everybody, by these presents, how Punchworthy the noble Earl is. For hath he not said the thing which is pleasant? Yea, verily; and in Exeter Hall too. Therein, presiding, on Tuesday night, last week, at the seven-and-twentieth annual meeting of the Young Men's Christian Association, and:--
"Speaking of an allusion made by the Rev. Hugh Hanna to the possibility of some of the young men present being elevated in the course of the next forty or fifty years to the peerage, Lord Shaftsbury said he doubted whether the demagogues of Trafalgar Square would allow that venerable assembly, the House of Lords, to sit so long. But, in the event of the proposal for the creation of life-peerages being again brought forward, he should, he thought, move an address to the Queen, praying that the two most notorious speakers on that point should be created respectively Earl of Trafalgar Square and Baron Hyde Park."
Is Lord Shaftsbury also among the jokers? There were probably many amongst his Lordship's hearers to whom that question presented itself in those words. It may be answered that he is indeed. Dulce est desipere in loco, and Exeter Hall is a locus, a locus in quo there is such a deal of serious talking as to need being a little enlivened occasionally by a flash of mild merriment.
The Cuckoo.
(Dr. Watts, adapted to an uncertain Spring time.)
'Tis the voice of the Cuckoo
I heard him come, plain;
But he came here too soon,--
Shall I hear him again?
Rather 'Tother.
Serjeant Ballantine pleads as a reason for letting the Claimant out on bail that, "as the question will be one of his identity with Arthur Orton, it will be necessary that he should see his witnesses." We should have thought that all that would be necessary would be that the witnesses should see him.
Page 171 { page image }
April 27, 1872.] .......... PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. .......... 171
[Illustration]
ONE OF THE "SYMPATHIZERS."
Jeames. "I'm afraid, me Lady, I'll require to Leave you." Lady. "Why?"
Jeames. "Well, me lady, I can't agree with Master's Suckasms against that poor persecuted Sir Roger."
EPITHALAMIUM IN GENERAL.
Just now o' mornings with what din of bells resoundeth air!
How are St. George's clergy worked in Hanover's gay Square!
Day after day how long the list of weddings in the Times
Doth strike your eye as your ear is struck by the music of chimes!
Hey? What! Has there occurred of late a fall in the price of bread,
That to Church doth make the people rush so furiously, and wed?
Perhaps; but there's evermore a burst of the after-Easter tide,
With the Lent-dams down, and the channel free for the bridegroom and the bride.
What Alps of snow-clad semblance would arise on every hand
If wedding-cakes upon wedding cakes were piled about the land!
What acres broad might wedding-feasts be spread on o'er each plain,
Chicken and lobster-salad amid rivers of champagne!
What hosts of human beings now each other daily bless!
O happy thought to estimate their sum of happiness!
How long to last, on all the pairs around you look, and see,
Young folks, and know ye that as they are now so you will be.
It is a goodly sight to gaze upon a bridal show,
Demonstrating unshaken faith in a Paradise below.
Forefend all fond young couples, Gracious Goodness, from mischance,
May none of them ever come to crave the help of Lord Penzance!
Stuff of the conscience 'tis to fast from wedlock during Lent;
No time to marry being that which time is to repent.
But marriage, when past Easter, is esteemed the thing to do,
Nowise fearful that repentance of the bargain will ensue.
O the wedding-bells throughout the land do make a merry noise,
A sound it is which the raptured ear of Sympathy enjoys,
And away with Professor Pumpkins, whose reflection it compels
The more wedding-peals there be rung, the more will be tolled, hereafter, knells.
CONVERSE DEMONSTRATION.
It is proposed that, before the tyrannical Government Parks Bill shall have passed the Lords, the middle and upper classes, taking a lesson from those that constitute the basis of Society, shall assemble in their thousands, and march through the streets on a Sunday in procession to Victoria Park, there to hold a demonstration with the object of enforcing the immediate repeal of the Income-tax. The demonstrators will comprise a very large number of persons, clerks and other people of respectability with slender or precarious incomes, on foot, as well as numerous gentlemen and ladies in carriages and on horseback; and they will proceed to and return from their destination with banners emblazoned with coats of arms flying, and violins and pianos playing; whilst a chorus, with band in attendance, will keep on singing "Viva la Libertà!" and other appropriate operatic selections. By this display of numbers and determination it is hoped that a section of Society at present subject to the injustice of inquisitorial confiscation will succeed in obtaining for themselves the concession of equality before the tax-gatherer.
Well Classed.
In an article headed "The Agricultural Labour Question," we read, among other news of the "movement," that "the Newmarket trainers have advanced the wages of their men from 14s. to 16s." This is the first time we ever saw Newmarket trainers figure as agricultural employers, and their men as agricultural labourers. But the classification may be defended. If our labourers are serfs, what are trainers' labourers but adscripti glebæ? Isn't their work altogether of the turf, turfy?
FROM OUR DOMESTIC PET IDIOT.
What is the difference between a Sofa and its fair occupants?--About the difference between an Ottoman and a knot-o'-women!
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EVENINGS FROM HOME.
Mr. Barlow and Masters Sandford and Merton continue their "Evenings from Home" at Torcombe Abbey Boarding-House.
[Illustration]
The dinner was, if possible, more dreadful than anything Harry had before undergone. A card was placed before him announcing the names of the numerous viands with which the company were about to be regaled. This card was highly ornamental with tradesmen's advertisements intended for the perusal of the guests, and Master Harry would have been vastly entertained, had he not been so alarmed by the novelty of his position, on observing that a most prominent place was given to an advertisement of a Medical Hall in Torcombe, the assistance of which establishment might, it was foreseen, not improbably be required by those who indulged too freely in the luxuries provided by the Abbey Boarding-House.
There was indeed such an apparatus of dishes which Harry had never tasted before, and which almost made him ill when he did taste them, all in their order, one after the other. Then there were so many powdered servants in gorgeous liveries standing behind their chairs, and such pomp and solemnity about what seemed the easiest thing in the world, that Harry could not help thinking to himself how infinitely preferable it would have been had all these savoury dishes and wines been left entirely to himself, without the interference of these grand footmen, and the presence of so many fine ladies and gentlemen, whose conversation, mingling with the bustle of the menials, distracted his attention from the meal, and indeed prevented him from obtaining two servings of any one particular dish which more than others seemed to suit his palate.
Miss Smudgkins now pointed out to him how many of the names were in French, with the use of which language the Housekeeper of the Abbey Boarding-House was only moderately acquainted.
The soup, Harry was asked to observe, was called Fembon Potage, and an Elderly Gentleman, who had been a considerable traveller, now stated, that, in some parts of France, this was known as Soup à la bonne femme, to which Master Tommy, who had been received amidst the circle of the ladies as a prodigy of wit and ingenuity, replied, that "many people were of a different opinion, and for his part he considered it more in accordance with the rules of good breeding to observe some prudence in offering a remark, than to show considerable alacrity in venturing an assertion, which the circumstances of the case did not warrant, and to which the majority of the company were in no mind to listen."
The Elderly Gentleman, whom Mr. Barlow now perceived by his dress and accent to be an inhabitant of Scotland, was much abashed at this rebuke, and during the remainder of the repast would not utter so much as a single word.
In consequence of this success, which elicited rapturous applause from the company (to whom it had been conveyed that Master Tommy's father was a very wealthy man), the young gentleman's volubility increased so much, that, before dinner was over, he seemed disposed to engross the whole conversation to himself, and Mr. Barlow, who did not enjoy the sallies of his young pupil so greatly as the ladies around him, was once or twice minded to interpose and check him in his career. This the widow-lady, whose name was Mrs. Blobbsomer, and whose daughter Matilda was Master Tommy's right-hand neighbour, thought very hard, and tapping Mr. Barlow playfully on the knuckles with her ivory fan, expressed herself to him that he "would honly spoil Master Tommy's temper by such hinjudicious contradiction, which she never could put up with from an 'usband, has hit halways hinvariably flew to 'er 'ed.".
This hint Mr. Barlow received in such good part, and, indeed, made so ingenious a reply, as to obtain for him another sprightly tap from Mrs. Blobbsomer's fan.
After dinner the usual loyal toasts were proposed by the oldest member of the company, and responded to by Master Tommy, and also by Mr. Barlow, who, in acknowledging the health of His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales, wound up a singularly eloquent speech with these words:--"Yes, my friends, the news of the Prince's recovery has been hailed with delight (Great applause) wherever the British Flag protects the slave, wherever the Union Jack has been unfurled, from the North to the South, from the East to the West, in the Prairies of the Potomac (Hear, hear!), the Deserts of Arabia (Hear, hear!), the Jungles of India (Hear, hear, hear!), the utmost Wilds of America (Bravo!), the Plutonic Volcanoes of Africa (Sobs, and cries of Hear, hear!), and the Uninhabited Islands of the Great Pacific." (Immense cheering.)
At this point the excitement of the company became almost uncontrollable, and it was not, indeed, until the ladies had assembled in the drawing-room, leaving the gentlemen to the enjoyment of their wine, that anything like calm was restored. Mrs. Blobbsomer, the mother of Matilda, and Mrs. Pejinkle, the mother of Sophonisba (who during the dinner had been seated at Master Tommy's left hand), now proceeded to discuss with the other ladies the merits of the new arrivals at the Abbey Boarding-House.
It was agreed by all, with the exception of Miss Smudgkins, who boldly avowed her preference, that Master Sandford (whose father they had understoond was a farmer) had a heavy clownish look, and ought not to be any longer honoured with the company of Master Merton, who, the elderly ladies said, would one day be an ornament to the society in which his wealth would entitle him to move. As for Mr. Barlow, indeed, Mrs. Pejinkle hinted that he was but "an odd kind of man, who never went to assemblies, conversaziones, or large parties."
"Nor to balls, mamma, nor concerts," said Miss Sophonisba.
"Nor to the hopera," said Mrs. Blobbersomer, fanning herself.
"No, nor to Court neither," exclaimed Miss Matilda, adding triumphantly, "Tommy--I mean," she corrected herself modestly at a sign from her mother, "Master Merton told me as much, and confided to me that he had already ordered his court-dress and sword in which to appear at the next levée."
After the silence which ensued upon this speech of Miss Matilda's had been broken by the entrance of the servants with trays of tea, coffee, and cakes, Mrs. Blobbsomer observed, "For my part, I think it would be hinfinitely more hadvantageous to Master Merton if he were, hat once, removed from the contagium and placed in some polite cemetery, where he might hacquire a knowledge of the world and make genteel connexions. This is the plan as I 'ave halways pursued with my Haugustus, who I am now thinking of sending to 'Arrow-on-th-'ill, or to Heton, and with Matilda, who in a few days will be completing 'er heducation at the Misses Top-lights Hacademy, Clifton."
The gentlemen now joined them in the drawing-room, and several of the young ladies were in turn solicited by Master Tommy to amuse the company with music and singing. Among the rest Miss Smudgkins sang a little Welsh ballad, called "Slap bang, Here we are Again," in so artless, but sweet and pathetic a manner, that little Harry (who by not taking part in the conversation in the dining-room, had been able to devote himself entirely to the consumption of the fine old crusted port provided by the Abbey Boarding-House, and pronounced by judges to be "something very curious") listened with tears in his eyes, though several young ladies by their significant looks and gestures treated it with ineffable contempt.
As for the other ladies and gentlemen, they seemed determined to proved the superiority of their manners by beginning to talk so loud, and to make so much noise, that it would have been almost impossible, had not Miss Smudgkins been gifted with a remarkably fine voice, for anyone to have heard one note of the singing. This seemed amazingly fine to Tommy; and he too talked and laughed as loudly as the rest.
Mr. Barlow, indeed, did not adopt the pervading tone of the company, but, seating himself on a sofa, next to Mrs. Blobbsomer, took the opportunity afforded him by a remark of hers on the qualifications of her daughter, to address her in these words, which unusual emotion, rendered less distinct than usual, "Your obsvash'un, m'dear Madam, remindshmer of of th' s-shtory of Zsheno--Zsheno--barbs--I mean Zshenobarbus and th'afflict' tortosh, whish ash you've not heard 't"----
But at this moment Miss Matilda, who had been led to the piano by Master Tommy, commenced an Italian song, and her mother sharply tapped the revered tutor of Tommy and Harry on the knuckled, requesting him, at the same time, to keep silence.
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A FENIAN'S FELLOW-MAN.
[Illustration]
A hero and a martyr, who died by the hands of a Saxon executioner for a generous act of tyrannicide (as the countrymen of the likes of him may say), the patriot, Shere Ali, hanged on the 11th of last month on one of the Andamans, appropriately named Viper Island, gloried greatly in the deed which had brought him to the gallows. The Calcutta Englishman states that, referring to the assassination of Lord Mayo:--
"He hoped his name would be glorified in his country for the deed which he had done, and that a monument would be raised to his memory by his fellow-countrymen."
Poor martyr! His shade will too probably be disappointed. His fellow-countrymen are not any of them Fenians. It is very unlikely that the natives of Peshawur, or any other place in India, will celebrate a mock funeral, for instance, on the 11th of next March, in commemoration of Shere Ali's martyrdom.
(WILLOW) PATTERN WEDDING PRESENTS.
Dear Mr. Punch,
Do space me just a tiny little corner of your valuable space to say how very much we ladies ought to thank the clever gentlemen of the press for their admirable descriptions of that delightful wedding. That dear Marquis! What a duck he must have looked in his blue coat! And his fair and lovely bride, O how we envied her the luxury of trying on her necklaces and other splendid nuptial gifts! Really, the account of her trousseau seemed like a fragment out of fairy-land, it seemed so poetical. If she had been the bride of the Emperor of China, I doubt if richer or more rare would have been the gems she wore. I wonder if her wedding dresses took three years to make, as we hear has been the case for her Imperial Highness--
"For three years the looms of Nankin, Hangehow, and Canton have been making the silks and satins for the Imperial bride's trousseau, which will cost at least half a million sterling."
Half a million sterling! What a lovely thing to dream about! Fancy having a trousseau worth half a million sterling! Well, the Emperor of China must clearly be a gentleman, although he wears a pigtail. He knows what is due to lovely woman when she marries, and I wish that his example were generally imitated. The Chinese may well speak of us as outer barbarians, when one knows how meanly some poor brides are treated in the matter of their trousseau. And see what other splendours await a bride in China:--
"The Emperor, personating the Sun, goes forth in a car drawn by a pair of elephants; while his lady-love is borne in a luxurious palanquin, formed entirely of strings of pearls."
Really this reminds one of the "ropes of pearls" which were purchased by Lothair for the lady he adored. (And what a goosey she must have been to send them back!) But imagine what a stir a palanquin of pearls would make in Regent Street just now, and conceive a pair of elephants prancing in Hyde Park! Ah, if we could but introduce some of those Oriental splendours into our mere humdrum everyday existence, we might cease to read with such amazing interest and avidity the details which the papers give of doings in high life!
Yours most affectionately,
Georgina Gusherton.
Mayfair, Monday.
"PECULIAR PEOPLE."
OBSERVATIONS IN AN ORATORY.
(On a recent Marriage in High Life.)
Why all these cads and Jenkinses astare?
"'Tis Bute! he draws us by a single hair!"
Hair of the dog that's bitten your base souls--
The cur, at feet of rank and wealth that rolls.
Manners the man may make, Manning the marriage,
But Men and Manners Manning must disparage,
When, in this abject press, and muster monkeyish,
Men write themselves down snobs, their manners flunkeyish.
But, hold! On sacred scenes like these 'tis rude
That satirists should more than snobs intrude;
Liquids to labials while East winds transmute,
As Bute cannot be Punch, Punch must be Bute!
Missing, Man and Money!
Mr. Stansfeld, in the debate on Sir Massey Lope's motion the other night, talked a great deal about people's "incomeability." Let local rating only go on increasing at its present pace, and the rate-collector will soon find out people's in-come-at-ability, and that of their money also.
IN THE WRONG HOLE.
Foolish people have been appointing John Bright "Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster." "We want him in place," they say. But John Bright in such an office would be John Bright out of place.
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[Illustration]
"THE ORACLE OF THE BOTTLE."--Rabelais.
Guest. "Shtrikesh me--in theshe Al'bam' N'gosh'ationsh, 'Tacticsh 'Gov'ment 'been anything but jucidioush!"
Host. "Jucidioush! S-s-s-(immensely tickled)--tha'sh uncom'ly good! My dear Boy, you meant to shay 'dujishioush,' I sh'poshe!--Letsh join the Ladiesh!!"
JOHN BULL'S BLESSING--AND WHAT IT COSTS.
Strange day! When that most lubberly of lurdanes,
The British rate-payer, kicks 'neath his burdens!
Swears that to fight the Vestry braced his nerve is,
And that he' had enough of "unpaid service:"
That he'll no longer bend in homage humble
Beneath the hot breath and hard hood of Bumble.
Refuse parochial Ayrtons leave to rob,
Nor brook, henceforth, to be ruled "by the job;"
That penny wisdom shall no longer be
In parish matters, his sole rule of three--
That rule of three which, after all was done,
Was simplified to rule of "number one,"
In whose self-seeking muddle yearly went
The cost of an Imperial Government,
As if to teach our "bloated" Upper Ten,
Whate'er swells once mulled, snobs can mull again;
That vestry room and council can outdo
The worst that, at its worst, St. Stephen's knew;
That the, who Little Pedlington o'er-crow,
Far wilder waste, and grosser jobs can show,
That, ere cheeseparing hand controlled the helm,
The worst and weakest rulers of the Realm!
These goods, most practical of races known,
John Bull can call, in Europe's face, his own.
And to his bosom hug, in calm content,
The rank-ripe fruits of sweet Self-government.
Only one thought his exultation bates,
The thought how much the harvest costs in rates;
One doubt--as still 'tis John Bull's prudent way
His blessings in his balances to weigh--
Whether, when Humbug's hushed, and Bunkum still,
'Tis worth all this cost to be ruled so ill!
FALLACY OF FIGURES.
A Paragraph of frequent occurrence in contemporary news, headed "Extraordinary Longevity," reveals ever and anon an instance of the duration of human existence, equal to or exceeding the age of Methuselah. This sum of years, however, is an addition sum; not simply the sum total of a column of units representing an individual life, but the sum of three, four, or more totals of so many columns which represent the lives of so many individuals met together. As the age of Methuselah would be equalled by the united ages of 969 infants, of one year old, collected at a baby-show, the profundity of this arithmetic is evident. The same calculus could be applied to other things than longevity as instructively as it is to that. A daily paper, the other day, contains a case in point, whence it might be argued, by an imposing array of figures, that pains for the prevention of dastardly outrages are not spared certain ruffians who deserve them:--
"Flogging Garotters.--Ten garotters, who were sentenced at the recent assizes in Leeds, received their flogging yesterday afternoon at Armley Gaol, each having twenty lashes."
Their united floggings amounted to two hundred lashes. But what are two hundred lashes among ten scoundrels?
The Two Cases.
Says John Lemoinne, "The English Counter-case
Has strength writ on its plain, straightforward face."
"That's nat'ral" (says Sam, with some impatience)--
"Strong counter-cases suit shop-keeping nations.
But how about my case? Guess that will funk em?"--
Not while John Bull can weigh bounce and smell bunkum!
A "Counter-Case."--Shop-lifting.
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[Illustration]
A FRAGMENT.
Fashionable High Church Lady. "Heigho! I really believe--er--that if we trusted in Miracles--er--we should have more of them!"
[Scarborough, Dec., 1871.
POST-OFFICE CONFECTIONERY.
"Postal Reform.--United States papers make mention of a rumour that the Postmaster-General of that country intends to signalise his career in office by flavouring the adhesive of postage-stamps."
If our own Postmaster-General is wise, he will lose no time in availing himself of this valuable hint. He might make the department over which he presides the most popular institution in the country, by the judicious use of sugar and a few essences. Complaints are often made of the Post-office (Mr. Punch has none to prefer, except that it sends him far too many letters), but the mouths of all grumblers would be stopped, if an agreeable flavour could be endorsed on the postage-stamps; and what is now too often an irksome and disagreeable duty converted, by the agency of the Confectioner to the Post-office, into a sweet and pleasant pastime. The necessary outlay would not be great; and as there would be an immediate and overwhelming increase in the sale of stamps, the Chancellor of the Exchequer could not possibly raise any objection.
The mouth waters at the thought of our post-offices exhibiting placards (like the lists of ices in restaurants and confectioners shops), describing the different flavoured stamps sold within, which might be distinguished by such appropriate designations as "Monsell," "Rowland Hill," "Scudamore," "Tilley," &c.
We hope the receipt-stamps will not be overlooked, and we are certain that a colossal fortune awaits the bold and enterprising stationer who will flavour the adhesive matter on his envelopes with strawberry, lemon, or vanille.
"Come" and "Take."
The Lambeth Water Company, so Mr. John Taylor, their engineer, writes to the Times, are going to improve their "intake." Bravo, L. C.! Then it isn't true that the London Water Companies only think of improving their income.
A SWELL ON A STRIKE.
Say fifteen shillings, if you like,
A week. I deem those wages small.
I wonder not that labourers strike,
But how they live to work at all.
With fifteen shillings ev'n per day
Who could drink wines of decent crû?
Of, if he got no better pay,
Afford a passable menu.
Such income would a fellow bring,
Save necessaries, to debar
A fellow's self of everything,
And smoke a threepenny cigar!
His life he never could enjoy,
So hard would he have on to rub;
A common tailor to employ:
Belong to an inferior Club.
But fifteen shillings, nothing more,
A whole week! That would render life
Worse for a fellow than a bore.
Fancy that fellow with a wife.
And yet those men are prolètaires!
And they continue to increase!
On wages ev'n the highest theirs
I wonder labourers do not cease.
Missing an Opportunity.
We observe by the University intelligence, that a gentleman has been elected at Oxford to "a Lucy Exhibition." Would it not have been a delicate compliment on the part of the authorities to those females who are the sturdy champions of their sex's rights, to have restricted the competition for the "Lucy" exhibition to ladies?
HOME ANARCHY.
The O'Conor Don, in a letter to the Secretary of the Roscommon Home Government Association, has expressed his determination to support the principles of Home Rule. It is doubly creditable to the O'Conor Don. Worthy of an Irishman and a Spaniard.
ACTS, NOT PLAYS.
It is remarkable that in newspapers, even some of those which circulate amongst educated people, a case of murder and suicide is ordinarily called a "tragedy," and, if it comprises several suicides or murders, is described as an "appalling tragedy," and "awful tragedy,", or a "tragedy of the most awful character." As Englishmen, reporters are invited to reform this error altogether. A "tragedy" is an entertainment; but murders and suicides cannot constitute any, except to the most ill-regulated mind. Moreover, a tragedy is a poetical work, whereas the reports of the above-named atrocities published in the newspapers are essentially of a prosaic character, and always written without any regard whatsoever to the rules of dramatic composition. Murder and Suicide are no more Tragedy than Marriage is Comedy; and what would you have thought, my Lord, if at the top of a column in your paper once of a morning, you had observed the heading of "Comedy in High Life," and, on glancing your eye over the subjacent article, had found it to be an account of your Lordship's wedding?
UNSUITABLE TAILORISM.
A Tailor, in Cheapside, exhibits in his shop-window a coat, whereunto is affixed a ticket bearing the inscription of "The Blue Prince of Wales." What a very infelicitous title! "The Black Prince of Wales" was an appellation grand if grim; the Blue Prince of Wales conveys an image simply grotesque. Edward, the Black Prince, was suitably so named from the tint of his armour; but Albert Edward cannot in like manner be styled the Blue Prince on account of his uniform, the colour of that which he usually wears not being blue but scarlet. If the Prince of Wales were in fact accustomed to wear a blue coat, still, to call the coat by the name of the wearer, putting the contained from the containing, would be taking a personal liberty as well as a poetical licence, and might be said to betray an extremely untailorlike idea of the fitness of things.
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A TEMPERANCE TALK.
[Illustration]
Library in Liberty Hall. Enter to Mr. Britton, the Rev. Jabez Bother.
Bother. Allow me, Sir, to approach you with a request for your signature to this petition for the Permissive Prohibitory Bill, the only measure, my dear Sir, which strikes at the root of the evil of drunkenness.
Britton. Drunkenness is a degrading vice. It lowers a man beneath the level of a beast. A drunken man is a creature in whom reason is deposed from its throne. And a drunken woman is worse. A drunkard is his own enemy, and destroys the happiness of others. We have an example of drunkenness in Alexander the Great, who, in a fit of passion aggravated by inebriety, slew his dearest friend, Clitus. We have other terrible examples in the police reports and assize intelligence, and also in much occasional afterdinner eloquence. But I believe drunkenness is on the decline.
Bother. Ah! yes, Sir; but our object is not merely to repress downright drunkenness. We wish altogether to prevent the sale of intoxicating liquors.
Britton. You mean spirits, wine, and beer. Call things from their use, not their abuse. Would you speak of razors as suicidal instruments? To destroy the liquor trade would be a double wrong; besides being a bore. It would be a tyranny over the consumers, and for the vendors a confiscation.
Bother. Tyranny, my dear Sir! How can a majority of ratepayers tyrannise over a minority? Confiscation! Why the publicans' trade would be confiscated if their customers were made fewer by moral suasion.
Britton. That would be no confiscation. Their customers would be diminished in that case by fair means, not by foul; which makes a difference, let me point out to you.
Bother. Surely, Sir, it would be all the same to them?
Britton. Would it be all the same to you if you were hanged out of hand as it would be if you were left to die a natural death?
Bother. I don't see the parallel.
Britton. That I daresay. Why should you destroy the liquor trade?
Bother. People drink more liquor that is good for them.
Britton. So do children eat more pastry. Would you shut up the confectioners' shops? Do you consider the adult people of England weaker than children?
Bother. People spend an immense deal of money in drink which they might lay out on better things. The people of this country, Sir, spend in the consumption of intoxicating liquors--excuse me, Sir--no less than £100,000,000 per annum.
Britton. Well, Sir; and a large proportion of that some goes to revenue in duty. What impost would you substitute? Are you prepared to tax the People's tea and coffee?
Bother. No, Sir, no; on the contrary, I am for a totally free breakfast-table.
Britton. Do you expect me, then, to consent that you shall tax my income to pay for your enforced teetotalism? If you do, you expect too much of human nature, at least as represented by this individual--and don't you wish you may get it?
Bother. Very much, indeed, Sir. Surely you are capable of that slight self-sacrifice for the good of others!
Britton. Quite incapable. Moreover, those others whom I prefer to consider are others like myself--the rational, not the imbecile members of society. But I wonder at you. Any enemy to drunkenness, you object to the amount of a heavy fine upon it.
Bother. What fine, my dear Sir?
Britton. The liquor duties. Their amount is a fine upon national drunkenness, and not only on that but on national drinking habits. Talk of a 5s. or 10s. fine! What is that to a fine of, I suppose, £50,000,000! By this vast penalty Vice is punished, and Virtue (to wit, Temperance) rewarded by exemption, whilst respectable persons are taxed so much the less, and the public burdens are in part borne by the lower orders.
Bother. Voluntary sobriety would necessitate other taxation. Should you object to that, Sir?
Britton. Very much indeed. But I couldn't complain of it at all, any more than publicans could complain if public-houses came to be simply less frequented by the public. In the meanwhile the only liquor laws for me are more stringent laws to punish drunkenness, and the permission of drunkenness, and the sale of bad liquor. "Si quid novisti," et cætera, you know.
Bother. I do not know; and as to quid, am a total abstainer also from tobacco.
Britton. Then I will not offer you a cigar. But the instruction which I have taken the trouble of imparting to you, perhaps you will put, so to speak, in your pipe, and smoke home. I am sorry to say there is no ginger-beer in the cellar, nor any lemonade, and my wife is out with the key of the cupboard which contains the tea-caddy; but if you would take a cup of cold water--Sir Wilfrid Lawson's cold without--there is plenty in the cistern--such as it is. No? Don't say "No," if you mean "Yes." What! must you go? Let me not detain you. I should be sorry, I am sure, to trespass any longer on your valuable time. Good morning, Mr. Bother; good morning! .......... [Bows him out.
TRUE SYMPATHY WITH SUFFERING.
It is gratifying, in the perusal of dry law proceedings, to light upon a judicial expression of genuine pity well bestowed, and sympathy, not only heartfelt but practical, with human suffering. At the Central Criminal Court, the other day, before Mr. Commissioner Kerr, John Joyce and Thomas Ditton were indicted for robbery with violence. The violence was of a nature which may be estimated from the subjoined observations of the learned Commissioner. It had been committed by the prisoner Joyce, who, when he and his dockfellow had been convicted, "asked for mercy." Whereupon--
"The Commissioner said there were some people actuated by what they believed to be philanthropy, who might have had mercy on him, but he was not one of those. His sympathies went with the man who, while on his way home, was seized by the throat, knocked down, lost blood, and suffered nervousness for weeks in consequence. He did not sympathise with the violent ruffian who knocked a man down, and whined in the dock for mercy. The sentence upon him was that he be kept in penal servitude for seven years, and received forty lashes with the 'cat.'"
A fair number. One stripe more than forty stripes save one; but not one too many for a garotter. It is good that such a miscreant should seem vile to his brother-man in howling under the infliction of full forty stripes; and if an average of forty administered in ordinary cases be found insufficient to prevent robbery with violence, let us hope that fifty will be tried, and so on in ascending ratio. The allotment of whipping-cheer by Mr. Commissioner Kerr to Mr. Joyce was rendered all the more handsome by the truly feeling remarks which accompanied it. They did equal credit to his heart and his head, and they command our admiration as the genuine outpouring of the mild and cream, and none of the skim-milk, of human kindness. Mr. Joyce has since been flogged.
What a pity the law did not empower Mr. Commissioner Kerr also to order a good flogging for Charles Westhorp, convicted, in two savage assaults, of unlawfully wounding a woman! Of course it was the mere inability to give that ruffian his deserts which made his Judge let him off with four months' imprisonment. We must give Mr. Commissioner Kerr credit for abhorring cruelty to women as much as cruelty to men, and for not thinking more venial than cruelty to animals.
MEDICAL DISSENTERS.
There has lately arisen a new sect called the "Peculiar People." One of their peculiarities is an objection to the medical treatment of disease, instead of which they rely on prayer and the laying on of hands. A child, the offspring of a pair of these People, died the other day at Plumstead of small-pox, without having had any sort of medical attendance. An inquest held on the body resulted in a verdict of manslaughter against a man named Hurry, the father of the child. Can this be law, other than crowner's quest law? If so, then so much the worse for fanatics and fools; but the corollaries may be queer for some people who are neither. Suppose a child dies of small-pox, having had no other medical assistance than that of a mesmerist or a homoeopath, how then?
Shop!
Mrs. Malaprop has been studying what she calls the Ali Baba Counter Case. She thinks the title smacks a little of the shop, but she hopes the Government will show that they mean business by sticking to their Counter.
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